Instruction: how to decipher the refusal of the invitation to “coffee”
Studies show that if you like a person , he most likely will reciprocate you on an offer to have coffeeor, say, go to dinner in a cozy restaurant. But even in this case, however, a positive response is not absolutely necessary. Did you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to refuse, or, on the contrary, were refused in response to your proposal – there is information that should be noted.
Failure is right and wrong
One scientific paper, published and published in Communication Research in 1998, showed that invitations to coffee or dinner with an obviously romantic touch, if received in person, are usually handled very, very carefully.
Within the framework of the study, scientists used the example of a man who asks a woman a question, asking the volunteers to answer how they think she should react if she is not interested in continuing. So psychologists found that, as a rule, people who rejected the proposal, concealed the expression of personal reasons in favor of impersonal reasons. Plus, if they treated a person well, some mitigating statements, such as an apology, an expression of gratitude and concern for his feelings , were necessarily included in the refusal .
However, the psychologist Wendy L. Patrick in his column for Psychology Today recalls that, due to lack of interest, it is not always denied. Before offering a meeting with a specific date, keep in mind that a person may simply not be free on that day. And adds that although the specifics and increases your chances of getting consent, it nevertheless works more efficiently if you immediately offer an alternative or give the prospect of this alternative.
Studies on the subject show that when a person refuses, referring to the existing romantic context, everything depends on the size of the social distance between the parties. If to simplify, it will sound so: the persons who are already familiar, use other words for refusal, rather than strangers . In a 2010 work published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it was said that, given a small social distance, the refusal is likely to be accompanied by an apology.
Perception and Interpretation
Unlike dating sites that suggest a “no thank you” button that allows you to easily and impersonally refuse an unwanted sentence, if two people are familiar in real time, you need to create a special error message. For example, a woman who works together with a man (unlike a woman who lives with a man in one area) can not say simply: “No thanks.” She is interested in helping the proposer save face, if only because they still work together .
And finally, the refusal or its reasons can be perceived very differently. “Since planning something like this is associated with emotional risks, your vulnerability can also affect how you interpret the answer,” Patrick writes.
It is true that politeness in the answer and sincerity on the face speak about respect and, as a result, an attempt to muffle a potentially traumatic experience. On the other hand, do not forget that the best way to interpret any message is to listen carefully. To, as they say, improve their ability to read between the lines.