How marriage destroys the sex life and what to do about it

How marriage destroys the sex life and what to do about it

How marriage destroys the sex life

The opinion that after the marriage the sexual life of the couple becomes less and less bright and interesting, and after the birth of children and completely ceases, it is quite common in the society. And despite the fact that this happens far from all and not always, family psychologists say that the opinion is fair.

“I meet people who are married, who are active and completely satisfying their sex life. However, in most cases, the person with whom they have sex is not their spouse – and that’s the problem, “says James J. Sexton, a family relations expert and part-time divorce lawyer in his column for Psychology Today.

Psychologists say that if a husband and wife after ten years of marriage still want to have sex only with each other, they can be congratulated with this. “I am sure that such marriages are enough. But, as a person who specializes on the reverse side of the medal, I’ve seen too many marriages with the same problem: one or both partners are dissatisfied with the quality of sex. It is either absent or does not meet expectations, or it does not happen often enough, “Sexton continues.

If you are married and your sexual needs are not satisfied by the spouse, you face a difficult choice: try to do without sex or find what you need on the side. Each person in a pair – it does not matter whether we are talking about marriage or not – there is an idea of ??how to have sex. At the beginning of the relationship, sexual life is usually so bright and varied that the partners do not hesitate to tell each other about their desires and needs, and because sex is not just good, but ideal. It is at this stage, experts are sure, that we derive the formula: high frequency + high intensity + attention to detail = good sex.

As monogamous communication progresses, many factors arise, in connection with which the variables fall. Here are some real examples from the practice of James Sexton:

  • “I feel exhausted after a whole day spent with the children”;
  • “I’m so busy with work that we rarely have time even to chat, let alone sex”;
  • “It does not give me so much joy as before. Where I get more emotion when I ski, but if I did it three times a week for six years, I’m sure I would get tired of skiing too “;
  • “Watching her clean up for the children, or listening to her phone conversation with her sister half an hour before bedtime, I realized that I no longer see my wife as a sexual object”;
  • “My husband really blossomed in the last five or six years. He scored 20 kilograms and does not seem to me as sexy and energetic as it was when we met. I think, therefore sex with him does not capture me. “

All this in no way means that married people do not try to work on their sex life, do not want to return it to the proper level or do not fight for their own happiness. But sometimes, alas, they do not work.

What’s the matter? Sexologists say that although each case is unique, couples have at least one common (and extremely popular) problem – most of them unconsciously place themselves in conditions where sex occurs on the same days at the same time , in the same place. In other words, they create conditions for predictable sex. And “predictable” is not the best, agree, description for the sex of your dreams.

So sex turns into a routine, from which we all get tired from time to time. But if the refusal of brushing teeth is routine too, it seems to us that something is impossible, because then unpleasant breathing and problems with gums can not be avoided, then rejection of sex is quite acceptable, because “well, think about it, we will do it next time.”

The first and most important thing that psychologists advise is to talk openly with a close person. It is important to find out who in the couple does not like the sex life, why she does not like it and what can be done to fix it. “Do not wait for the right moment to discuss it,” warns James Sexton, adding that if the marriage breaks for precisely this reason, then it’s better not to delay trying to patch this crack.

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